Indiana Jones and the Absolutely, Positively Last Crusade

2 March 2007

It was announced this week that filming of the new Indiana Jones movie will start in June. In preparation, 64 year-old Harrison Ford is spending three hours a day in the gym and eating a high protein diet. The poor bastard. Sean Connery (76), in retirement since hating every minute of making ‘The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen’ (he should have tried watching it), has said he will reprise his role as Indy’s father, Henry, if the script’s any good. It couldn’t be worse than the turd that dotted the full stop of his career as it currently stands, surely? In an exclusive, here’s a glimpse of that finished script.

...

FADE IN: INTERIOR. PROFESSOR HENRY JONES' KITCHEN - DAY

The kitchen is dimly lit and dirty. Various dusty and vaguely familiar artefacts stand on shelves. Standing at a work surface, INDY resentfully mashes a banana in a bowl. A drooling HENRY JONES sits at the table, rocking back and forwards. MARCUS BRODY, the pair’s friend and adviser sits next to him, staring sadly into space, an opened, half empty bottle of scotch in front of him.

HENRY (muttering)

I suddenly remembered Charlemagne. "Let my armiesh be the rocksh and the treesh and the birdsh in the shky."

....

The front door bell rings. INDY throws down the spoon angrily and storms out of the room.

INDY (shouting)

Godammit!

VOICE (off camera)

Good morning Mr Jones, we’re bailiffs sent by the Department of Work and Pensions. We’re here to collect the overpayment of your father’s care allowance.

INDY (shouting)

Now, wait a goddamned minute!

INDY flies backwards through the door into the kitchen followed by two burly BAILIFFS in black bomber jackets. They examine the artefacts around the room.

BAILIFF #1 (fingering an ornate, gold cross)

Yep, this should do nicely.

INDY (shouting)

That cross is an important artefact. It belongs in a museum.

INDY draws himself up, sticking his chest out at BAILIFF #1. There is a loud CRACK! sound.

BRODY

That’s it, Indy! Use the whip on them!

INDY (cross-eyed and holding his groin)

That wasn’t my whip. That was my hernia support belt giving out

INDY swings a slow, weak punch at BAILIFF #1 who dodges it easily and punches INDY in the mouth, knocking him to the floor.

INDY (holding his mouth)

Jeshus! My denshures. You broke my denshures!

HENRY (absent mindedly)

She shells shea shells on the shea shore.

INTERIOR. PROFESSOR HENRY JONES' LIVING ROOM - DAY

INDY, HENRY and BRODY sit in a line on the sofa. INDY has a Yellow Pages on his lap and is slamming down the telephone.

INDY

What doesh it take to find an NHSh dentisht in thish town?

BRODY

The search for an NHS dentist is the search for the divine in all of us. But if you want phone numbers, Indy, I've none to give you.

INDY

I’ll get hold of Shallah. He’ll be able to help.

INDY dials a number into the phone.

SPLIT SCREEN. INDY AND SALLAH.

INDY

Shallah, get over here. We’re back in bishnesh. Thish ish the big one. Bigger than the Losht Ark, the Temple of Doom *and* the Holy grail.

SALLAH

Indy, my friend. I can no longer help. Very dangerous. A money-grabbing Arab stereotype with many children who speaks in a cod-Egyptian accent is no longer acceptable to sophisticated audiences.

INDY slams down the phone. He gets up and switches on the television.

INDY

I’m getting too old for thish.

TELEVISION NEWS READER

The state pension age is to rise to 68, the work and pensions secretary, John Hutton, said today.

INDY (hands over his face)

Nazshish. I hate theshe guysh.

INDY slowly, quietly, begins to weep.