Recent Stories In Media

Ask-a-Man: Really Not That Loathsome. Apparently. March 16, 2007 A couple of months ago, we wrote a fairly scathing piece about a new online service called Ask-a-man, a business based around the very flimsy idea that women could learn a lot about the men in their lives from other men... The TFT Guide to... 'Blue Peter' Lies March 16, 2007 This week 'Blue Peter' was in trouble when it was revealed that a phone-in quiz had been fixed, leading to a ludicrous amount of media attention and apologetic grovelling by the BBC... As is well-known, Petra the 'Blue Peter' dog died after just one appearance and was quietly replaced with another puppy. So what other lies has 'Blue Peter' told us over the years?... 1970s Bloke: Missing, Feared Made-up February 16, 2007 As 'Life on Mars' returned to our screens this week, so did one of the media's favourite topics: 'Whatever happened to 1970s blokes?' You know the types: Carter and Regan, Bodie and Doyle, Rod Stewart, Robin 'Confessions of a Wank Fantasist' Askwith. Fred West, Andreas Baader and The Black Panther went strangely unmentioned... Journojism: Supersize Zero Me February 11, 2007 Ever since the success of 'Supersize Me', journalists and documentary makers have been eager to subject themselves to weird diets, regardless of whether or not there is any actual point. It's surely only a matter of time before someone decides to drink eight cans of Special Brew a day for a month... The TFT Guide to... Avoiding Being Typecast February 4, 2007 Any successful actor runs the risk of being typecast, and so many make a conscious effort to appear in roles that challenge the public’s perception of them. This is precisely what Daniel ‘Harry Potter’ Radcliffe is currently doing, by appearing in Peter Schaffer’s ‘controversial’ play 'Equus'... 'Party Animals': The Politics of Youth February 4, 2007 As if we needed another, it looks like BBC2’s new ‘political’ ‘drama’, ‘Party Animals’, is one more harbinger of the new Dark Age that’s poised to flatten all in its path in a tsunami of twattery. With Chris Moyles riding at the forefront like a doughnut-stuffed horseman of the apocalypse, obviously... The Future's Bright, The Future's Mentos and Diet Coke February 4, 2007 This week Google announced that it’s planning to pay contributors to its new acquisition, YouTube. It’s a sad indictment of the journalism profession that no one appeared to ask ‘Is this just a publicity stunt?’, for the simple reason that the first question in anyone’s mind should have been: ‘Who the fuck is going to pay money...' Paul Dacre: Marx My Words January 26, 2007 If you were labouring under the delusion that The Daily Mail and its staff were in some way not totally barking mad, a comment this week by editor Paul Dacre would have disabused you. In an article in The Guardian about his favourite bugbear, the BBC, Dacre commented: 'I for one would pay the licence fee just for Radio 4.'... TVJism: Bring Back 'Robin of Sherwood'! Oh, You Have... November 3, 2006 This week there was yet another minor TV furore as Christians accused a show of anti-Christian bias. What was this show? A blistering attack on organised religion by Richard Dawkins? An expose of extremist Christian fundamentalism by 'Dispatches'?... No... Christ de Burgh October 27, 2006 It's been a wonderful week for Chris de Burgh. He has been likened to a Scottish rapist, a paedophile and to Jesus Christ Himself, and yet still the blandest man in music is smiling. Last Thursday on his website, de Burgh felt the need to clear the air: '...I am NOT a Faith Healer'... We know. Only the true Messiah would deny His divinity... WAWIBF... OJ October 27, 2006 ...OJ Simpson is about to cash in, again, on the most pooh-poohed acquittal in murder trial history. The National Enquirer claimed last week that Simpson was to be paid $3.5 million for a book entitled 'If I Did It'. The book would describe, fully, frankly, graphically and incredibly tastelessly, how OJ Simpson might have killed his wife Nicole and Ronald Goldman... *if* he had actually done it... Torchwood: Who's The Daddy October 27, 2006 Torchwood, BBC4's 'adult' 'Doctor Who' spin-off was launched to a record UK digital television audience on Sunday. If you weren't able to tune in and watch the television event of the year then - *please* - pity those of us who did. Oh God, where to start... Journojism: Cocker And Morley's Middle East Peace Plan October 20, 2006 The solemnity of pop musicians is a joy to behold. Arguably the worst offender is Bono, who has never shied away from Big Issues in his music and pronouncements, whether it's apartheid, Bloody Sunday, or the entire history and culture of America. However, most, if not all, pop musicians have a tendency to go all serious... Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Memes Will Never Hurt Me October 15, 2006 It was a heckuva week for Chad Hurley and Steve Chen. The two twenty-something-year-old founders of YouTube woke up on Tuesday morning and found themselves multi-millionaires after their plucky video site was bought by Google for $1.65bn. That's one point six five billion dollars. Or about eight pounds fifty... Sad and Sadr October 6, 2006 One of the least funny and most disappointing comedy films of the last ten years was this week brought galumphing back into the collective consciousness when an image from it turned up in Baghdad. Of all places. The film is 'Dogma' and the image is that of 'Buddy Christ', the smiling damned saviour with His one Muslim-baiting thumb held offensively aloft... TVJism: Down With The Kids October 6, 2006 Throughout history, youth has been treasured and often deified, whether it was the ancient Greeks' actual youth worship or modern society's attempts to avert the inevitable passage of time with plastic surgery. But neither the Greeks nor the biggest plastic surgery addict come close to the obsession with youth of TV types... Journojism: Middle Class Woes September 24, 2006 We've commented before on the embourgoisement of newspapers, particularly the Sunday supplements, with their aspirational lifestyle crap, their plugs for modernist kitchen gadgets and yummy mummy journalists endlessly relating the minutiae of their lives. But it's reached such staggering proportions that we've come to the conclusion that some sharp-witted publisher should make a few bucks by collecting all this crap in one tiresome volume: 'Middle Class Woes' magazine... TVJism: The Walford Downs September 17, 2006 This week 'EastEnders' was criticised by the Royal College of Midwives for a storyline about a Down's Syndrome baby, the progeny of Billy and Honey Mitchell. Poor kid - it's bad enough being born with Down's Syndrome, but a bit of mental retardation pales into insignificance with the horrors that await anyone living in Albert Square... A Load of Old Canniballs September 17, 2006 'For 10 years, we in the Tory party have became used to Papua New Guinea-style orgies of cannibalism and chief-killing; and so it is with a happy amazement that we watch as the madness engulfs the Labour Party.' So quoth everyone's favourite disgraced strawberry blonde Etonian Tory fop (tm), Lord Sir Boris of Johnson on his blog the other day... WAWIBF... Panic on the Streets of London September 8, 2006 'Perverts with hidden digital cameras are allegedly filming women and children in Trafalgar Square.' So sensationalised London's newest dumbed-down Sun, The London Paper on Wednesday. One word stands out in that sentence. This one too: 'The twisted sex pests are suspected of using the trick to take pictures up women's skirts and later share them with other perverts on the internet.'... WAWIBF... Toilet Paper September 8, 2006 Lucky old Londoners have been bombarded with free reading material recently, with two new freesheets launched in the last two weeks. The downside - or at least the most glaring downside - is that both papers are unremittingly stuffed with absolute garbage... PC, the BBC and Littlejohn's Delight August 30, 2006 'Political correctness' has long been a gift to right-wingers, allowing them to have a dig at liberals and lefties by citing apocryphal examples, or things they've just made up on the spot, as though it constitutes a genuine point. What Littlejohn column would be complete without some comment like: 'What next? Will we be forced to call paedophiles “sexually-preferentially-challenged”?' TVjism: Jurassic Arse August 30, 2006 Occasionally a TV programme really makes you sit up and admire the audacity of the person who was prepared to risk being laughed out of an ideas meeting by coming up with something so derivative. A worthy challenger to the BBC's 'Urban Chef' featuring Oliver Rowe, which shamelessly copied 'Jamie's Kitchen', has popped up on ITV primetime: 'Prehistoric Park'... The TFT Guide To... The Return of Noel Edmonds August 30, 2006 In a career trajectory that's beginning to resemble that of Alan Partridge, Noel Edmonds is to return to the BBC for the first time in seven years for ‘National Lottery Day’. BBC1 controller Peter Fincham commented: 'It is great to have him back. This marks the beginning of a new chapter between Noel and the channel.' Fincham then denied rumours that Edmonds will be hosting a new show called 'Monkey Tennis'. But what will Noel's exciting new light entertainment projects consist of? TFT speculates... The First Rule of Google Is: You Do Not Google About Google August 18, 2006 This week the Indie reported, with tears of joy in its terror-plot-clogged eyes, on the latest legal foofawraw Google have to their funny name. Having cottoned onto the fact that many individuals now use said name as a verb, with its proud capital G brought low, they've been forced into action. (The people who invented 'cotton' gave up years ago.)... Journojism: Jones and Dhaliwal - Who's The Boss? August 11, 2006 Recently the likes of Janet Street-Porter have been heartily bitching about blogs, which to her constitute a lake of online 'verbal diarrhoea'... it's hard to imagine however, any blog being more poorly written, more clangingly solipsistic, more of an embarrassing knitting-class of tangled neurosis than the witterings of highly-paid madwoman Liz Jones... The Big Big Brother Phone Vote Con: Boo Fucking Hoo August 11, 2006 In a dazzling feat of Machiavellian telly-twistage/an increasingly desperate attempt to keep slack-jawed viewers interested and/or riled (delete as applicable), 'Big Brother' has given agog viewers the chance to vote some of the bastards we hoped we'd never hear of again back into the house. This, far from being a nifty move... Vox Popular: Heaven and Hell August 3, 2006 ...Sadly, the entry criteria for the Kingdom of Heaven are is quite strict. You can't do any killing, for example, or maiming, or coveting of your neighbour's wife. You can't even covet your neighbour's ox, for Christ's sake. All of which makes you wonder, just who will be allowed beyond the pearly gates, come the time, and who will be cast into a fiery pit of eternal suffering?... Blog Envy July 31, 2006 There's been a bit of a flap of late about the rise to prominence of a handful of British bloggers. Some in the old school media worlds have had their ivory towers, not to mention their future career prospects and inflated salaries, shaken by the thought that there are legions of web-savvy people out there willing to put intelligent, well-researched articles in the public domain for nothing... Journojism: Oxford - Just Do It July 31, 2006 Along with the fact that cancer victims always struggle 'bravely' against their illness, one of the immutable laws of journalism is surely that anything to do with Oxford University is newsworthy. We can only speculate as to why, but it may be because so many broadsheet editors went to Oxford, or have children there. Meanwhile, forelock-tugging, class-addled rags like the Mail and Express know that their readers fervently wish that they or their children had gone to Oxford... TVJism: 'Top Gear' July 31, 2006 A question! Which television programme, we ask you, is the most illegally downloaded in the world? 'Lost'? 'CSI'? 'The Jade's Salon Tin Bath Full of Quicklime Special'? Wrong, wrong and wrong. It is, in fact, the BBC's paragon of geezer, 'Top Gear'. Hugely popular amongst petrolheads and lovers of shouty-bloke-type comedy the planet over, and without a regular slot in some of the world's largest gas-guzzling nations, it is passed round YouTube and torrent sites like Fiesta Readers' Wives around the school bike shed. The mind boggles... The TFT Guide to... THe Demise of 'Top of the Pops' July 31, 2006 This week the last ever edition of 'Top of the Pops' was recorded, marking the end of an era for people who measure historical periods in terms of rather cheesy TV programmes about pop music (see also 'The Chart Show' Era and the 'Snub TV' Era). But why exactly did the BBC axe the UK's most famous music show?... Journojism: The Bourgeoisie Are At the Gates July 22, 2006 Increasingly, and particularly in the Saturday edition, articles in The Guardian appear that you initially think might be a pisstake of the worst kind of middle-class 'Jocasta was despairing of ever finding a Fair Trade pashmina' twaddle. But it never is. Step forward Charlotte Raven... Surveyjism: A Nation of Domestic Cleaners July 22, 2006 Here's a question: who the fuck does 142 minutes of housework a day, apart from a full-time (if rather lazy) cleaner? Because this is the amount of time that the average Brit spends doing housework, according to a new survey. Maybe we're missing something, but 142 minutes is almost *two-and-a-half hours*. How long does it take to do the washing up, push the Hoover round a bit, stick some bleach in the toilet and take the rubbish out?... Blessed Relief July 15, 2006 Forgive us, if you please, for having the mind of a twelve year old, sniggering along to the latest Finbarr Saunders but we've got a bit of a problem with Sport Relief. In fact, we find we can't handle any concept with the word 'relief' in the title, but especially not when there's partially famous people involved... 'Doctor Who': Guest Appearances All Round July 15, 2006 'Doctor Who' has probably gone through the biggest transformation of any programme in TV history, with the possible exception of 'Battlestar Galactica', which started out as a ropey Glen A. Larson 'Star Wars' rip-off in 1978, degenerated into sub-'Macgyver' 1980s toss, then came back in 2003 as a big-budget epic with proper actors and drama and everything. And no invisible hover-bikes... Journojism: Just Because You're Paranoid... July 7, 2006 'A third of the population regularly suffer paranoid or suspicious fears that others intend to harm them, say researchers,' reported the Daily Mail this week. Apparently psychologists at King's College London have found that a worryingly large proportion of people believe others intend to do them harm or are criticising them behind their backs... ITV: RIP July 7, 2006 The observant amongst you, i.e. the small percentage of our readership that switches their PC off every now and then for an evening of hellish boredom in front of the idiot box, may have noticed that British commercial television is in crisis. A crisis they'd rather not talk about, pointing gamely to huge soap ratings, claiming that everything is peachy... The TFT Guide to... Being a Blue Peter Presenter July 2, 2006 This week 'Blue Peter' recruited its latest presenter, Andy Akinwolere. But it's a daunting prospect to step into the shoes of such titans of children's TV as Valerie Singleton, John Noakes, Peter Purves, Sarah Greene, Janet Ellis and the one off 'Seaview' who hangs around with that Scouse twat who thinks he can talk to ghosts. So what does it take to become one of the greats of 'Blue Peter' presenting?... The CBE Jeebies June 24, 2006 Poor Rolf Harris. A life-time spent painting the Queen, tying kangaroos down and breaking new ground with songs about little boys, and what does he get to show for it? A CBE and the thanks of a grateful nation, that's what. How gutted, then, must he be feeling to hear that the Met's Assistant Commissioner Andy Hayman... TFT Film: 'Thank You For Smoking' June 24, 2006 It's a bit of a gift for a filmmaker to find a story, in a rather loose sense, about the semiotics of bullshit. Christopher Buckley's now 12-year-old book 'Thank You For Smoking' is one of those enduring tales of spin, counter-spin and unabashed moral slime that will probably always be relevant... TOTP: RIP June 23, 2006 'They think it's all over... it is now!' ...will not feature at all in this article. And so, we see the end of 'Top of the Pops' after a long, terminal illness; finally put out of its misery by the BBC who spent much of the last decade unable to press a pillow onto its comatose face... WAWIBF... Character Assassination June 12, 2006 We must admit, our opinion of Russell Crowe has changed. We used to think he was a boorish, quick-fisted child, a cerebral baboon and single-cell control freak who would think nothing of using his considerable if baffling influence in his ceaseless quest for good PR. Now we think he might also be mentally ill. Not as mad as Cruise perhaps, but certainly madder than Peter Andre... Giles Coren Vs Fat People: Where's the Beef? June 12, 2006 This week a show called 'Tax the Fat' appeared on the More 4 channel. It was one of those programmes that can get away with floating bizarre ideas because, hey, it's only TV at the end of the day, and it's ironic and iconoclastic, yah? Somewhere in the development pipeline there's no doubt a show called 'Kill the Poor', but we digress... TFT Film: United 93 June 3, 2006 On Tuesday evening President Bush sat in a White House screening room and watched Paul Greengrass' film, 'United 93'. This is the film of the events aboard the fourth plane hijacked on September 11th. The one that didn't quite reach its designated target... He watched the film in the company of some of the relatives of the 40 innocent people killed on the flight. Eep... WAWIBF... Ladies In The Media June 3, 2006 Never work with children or animals. Or, let's face it, women. More trouble than they're worth frankly. If they're not bending your ear with their incessant affronts to reason, they're smearing their breast-milk or menses all over your face like it's nothing to be ashamed of. Otherwise they'll just sit there, ovulating... Big Brother: It's Hell In There May 26, 2006 Shahbaz Chaudry, 37-year-old gay Glaswegian Pakistani 'Big Brother' housemate, left the house on Wednesday having been completely ostracised from the group. 'The pain is too much', he said in the privacy of the diary room, and wept, his uncommonly youthful face streaked with tears. It was obvious to anyone watching that this was a particularly disturbed and unstable individual... WAWIBF... Guy Goma May 26, 2006 The BBC have a lot to answer for. It was bad enough that they managed to mistake a jocular, Malteser-headed African for a pasty-faced, lozenge-headed ginger white man... What makes the whole thing something of a tragedy however, is the fact that Guy Goma may now face deportation as a direct result of the Beeb's startling incompetence... WAWIBF... Chris Moyles May 26, 2006 There were concerns this week when oily heap of pointless, braying excrement Chris Moyles failed to show up for work on Monday morning. Moyles was due to galumph into the Radio 1 studio at 7am and, very much in the manner of a spoilt and overbearing infant who's been told and who clearly believes that he is special, bray pointlessly at full volume, to the delight of doltish schoolchildren and vacuous office workers alike. But he wasn't there... Free As A Bird (In A Cage) May 7, 2006 This Wednesday saw World Press Freedom Day, a UN-backed initiative raising awareness of censorship, hate media and the denial of free speech to half the world's population. For one day a year, we remember the 125 journalists in prison around the world, and the twelve media workers killed in the pursuit of their jobs so far in 2006. For the other 364, it's up to you... The Death of the British Family: Coming Very Soon May 5, 2006 Hedonism has a lot to answer for. If, some time later this century, you find yourself languishing on an MRSA-ridden geriatric ward, with a solitary overworked Filipino nurse giving you the evil eye after you've spent the past few decades parasitically siphoning off her meagre wages into your pension packet, you know who to blame... Pea is for Psycho March 27, 2006 This week came the news that Louise Arnold is so absolutely terrified of peas that she runs out of restaurants if she catches even the slightest glimpse of one on someone else's plate. Now, we here at The Friday Thing have a lot of time, patience, tolerance and understanding for people with senseless phobias... However, peas? Fucking *peas*?... Journojism: The Pun's The Thing March 17, 2006 This week it was reported by the Daily Mirror that Abu Hamza is slimming down and buffing up inside. He's lost three stone apparently, because he doesn't like the prison food, but he's also been working out, and is well on his way to a six-pack. Hence the really quite brilliant headline 'ABS HAMZA'. Right, yeah. We reckon the news meeting ran pretty much along these lines.... War on Trollers January 13, 2006 This week someone has winkled out a hidden clauselet in the US Violence Against Women and Department of Justice Reauthorization Act, which bans everyone from being annoying on the Internet... Monkey PC, Monkey Do January 12, 2006 This week The Sun came steaming out of the traps with a little piece that was precisely, perfectly engineered as the ultimate Sun article. Maybe there's a 1% error margin in that it was, offputtingly, a book review of sorts, but otherwise it's like a pure shot of Wade to the brain. How much more Sun could it be? The answer is none. None more Sun. 'They're taking the PC', says the headline... Respecting the Authoritaah: South Park vs The Catholic Church January 12, 2006 There is something manifestly, monolithically humourless about Roman Catholicism, even among other awesomely po-faced organised religions. Something stern and fearsome and unbending. You don't trifle with Roman Catholics. They've been around longer than you have, chum, and they've got the Pope on their side. South Park on the other hand, has been around for nearly eight years, so roughly 1992 years less than Roman Catholicism... All The Nipples and Blogs That Are Fit to Print December 24, 2005 This week we learned that 'Janet Jackson' was the most searched-for term on Google in 2005. Somehow we can't believe that this was the result of her recent musical output and instead just a rather pathetic mass desire to see *that* nipple. It doesn't show Internet users in a very flattering light... A Few Bad Santas December 24, 2005 On Saturday afternoon in Auckland, New Zealand, 50 drunken men all dressed as Santa Claus went on a tasteless bastard rampage through the centre of town, leaving pools of urine, broken bottles, bleeding security guards and severely shaken shop assistants in their wake. 'It's just a pack of clowns,' said Auckland's Senior Sergeant, a rather confused Matt Rogers. It wasn't clowns. It was Santas... Space: The Final Nadir December 12, 2005 The concept is simple, and must have sounded pretty sexy at the pitch stage: select a bunch of wide-eyed members of the public, and fool them into thinking they're going into space. The actual execution of this feat is rather more convoluted, but the intricate gag set-up is part of the show itself... The TFT Guide to... Targeting Christians December 12, 2005 This week the Disney Corporation was revealed to be capitalising on the religious themes of its latest film, 'The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe', by hiring Christian marketing groups to promote the film to a ready-made Christian audience. But what existing blockbusters could be reworked for a Christian audience? This Was An Awfully Strange Marine December 3, 2005 At the weekend, The News of the World got its sticky paws on some lurid video of Royal Marine recruits and proceeded to wave it around in one hand while clamping the other to its horrified mouth. The video shows what looks like 'Opportunity Knocks' in one circle or other of hell - men with rubbery gym mats wrapped around their arms walloping twenty bells out of each other in the stark naked nude... Skin Deep November 25, 2005 BeautifulPeople.net describes itself as 'an elite online members' club, which introduces beautiful people to truly beautiful people. It is a meeting place which is reserved for people, who because of their attractive appearance and personal qualities, stand out from the majority.' Apparently SuperficialSmugCunt.net was already taken... A Festival of Lies November 21, 2005 Yesterday the Sun launched its annual campaign to save Christmas. Every year, as regular as clockwork, Christmas rolls around, and every year, regular as clockwork, the Sun sets out to save it. Ironically, in indulging in this specious campaign, the Sun brings to mind the story of Mulla Nasreddin, the Muslim cleric who scattered bread crumbs in his house to ward off non-existent tigers, then boasted that his futile ritual was directly responsible for the apparent tigerlessness. The only difference being that Mulla Nasreddin was in actual fact a gifted teacher and fearless satirist, and the Sun are a bunch of mendacious self-serving cretins... Fisting the Mitchells November 7, 2005 It is an extraordinarily rare thing for something as ugly as domestic violence to raise a smile. The last time we can remember it happening was back in 2003, when meringue-faced berserker Liza Minnelli was sued by her badly bruised plum of a husband, David Gest, for ten million dollars. But there was something so alien about Gest and Minnelli that we couldn't really empathise on any human level. However, this week, two of our most down-to-earth home-grown TV stars were set upon by the women in their lives, and few it seems can keep from revelling in their anguish. TFT Telly: Six Feet Under November 7, 2005 Channel 4 started to show the HBO drama 'Six Feet Under' in 2000. It trundled along quite happily for three seasons in a regular 10pm slot on a Thursday or Friday, the show garnering gushing praise from critics, who basked in the 1% of American television that kicks the tush of 99% of British television. Then the four year itch kicked in. Channel 4 started to lose interest... Citizenship Tests: How New Labour Are You? November 7, 2005 This week finally saw the introduction of the long-planned UK citizenship tests. But what gives the whole thing away as yet another piece of tokenism is the fact that the test has no actual consequences. If a wannabe citizen fails the test, they're not going to be deported. And rightly so - it would be a Kafkaesque world in which you get sent back to Rwanda to get your arms macheted off because you thought Rowan Williams was the head of the Church of England. (It's the Queen. Or Christ or someone.)... Sweaty Flap: Dick's Downfall October 28, 2005 In the Sunday Mirror this week an escort agency call girl by the name of Lucy Ashton revealed how children's TV star Richard 'Dick' McCourt 'pestered her for kinky sex before bedding her in a top hotel'. McCourt of course is half of Dick and Dom, famous primarily for peddling smut to pre-teens on Saturday morning telly. Smut such as 'Creamy Muck Muck' and 'What a Sweaty Flap'... What Would Jesus Chew? October 21, 2005 God bless Cosmopolitan, the unthinking woman's style and self-esteem bible which this month features a new(ish) diet craze from the US. 'What Would Jesus Eat?' lays out a cunning programme of righteous self-denial for every woman who genuinely believes that each éclair she eats brings her one step closer to eternal damnation... TFT Film: Wolf Creek October 21, 2005 It is the sort of film that makes you wonder why you watch horror films, even as it entirely justifies the genre. It's beautifully shot, stylish even in its naturalism, and intelligent enough to shake off accusations of exploitation - but still, watching it makes you feel implicated, guilty. How is this enjoyment? Embankment: An Art Student Writes October 14, 2005 What Whiteread has created - and indeed crated - is a psycho-semantic subspace in which what you think you think you know becomes what you actually are; a meta-space where positive and negative copulate in a spiral of ineffable beauty, and the beholder simply is. The truth is, I have probably spent more time in Rachel Whiteread's eyes this week than I have in my own... The TFT Guide to... The Forgotten Aardman Features October 14, 2005 This week a large part of the UK's cultural heritage was lost forever when a fire destroyed a warehouse belonging to Nick Park's animation company... But deep in the vaults of Aardman Animations, what other projects had been rightly forgotten?... 'More Twee Northern Clichés, Gromit?': Least successful of Wallace and Gromit's outings, with the pliable duo investigating a robbery in a black pudding factory. Who is the mysterious pigeon wearing a pit helmet and a Davey lamp? Who planted the stolen oatcakes on Gromit? Can that really be Sean Bean doing the voice of a pie-eating whippet in a flat cap? Adverjism: The Future is Shite October 11, 2005 Everyone living has a mobile phone. Some people even keep the same mobile for more than six months, the capricious bastards. How to reel them in like the dead-eyed rotting fish-in-a-barrel they are? Make like 3, find a new universe in your own arse, and vanish therein to the bemusement of all who watch... Some Comfort Gained From The Acceptance Of The Inherent Rubbishness Of Landlords* October 4, 2005 The Saatchi Gallery is upping sticks. When we read that this was due to a landlord dispute, we assumed that it was one of those South Bank premium real-estate money things - dreary old financial squabblings, like the ones over the London Eye's rent, no more scintillating than a snotty letter from the bank. But it transpires that poor Mr Nigella has in fact been beseiged by some sort of Japanese Rigsby on crack. Bad Faith: Another Evening Standard Update September 17, 2005 Sadly, the story of the Evening Standard's odious and wildly inaccurate article about the Dar Al Taqwa bookshop seems set to run and run. This week we have received a couple of updates featuring correspondences with the Standard Managing Editor Doug Wills. We would like to share them with you. The TFT Guide To... Making Make Poverty History History September 17, 2005 This week, the most arresting television advertising campaign of recent times was kiboshed by watchdog Ofcom. The Make Poverty History ads, replete with sombre-faced (yet, on occasion, slyly pouting) celebrities clicking their fingers to represent the unremarked deaths of children in poverty, have snapped their last... What can else can we expect in the wake of Ofcom's decision?... Robert Mendick: When Journalism Ruins LIves September 9, 2005 Before we begin, we should point out that it is not our intention to persecute or harass Evening Standard journalist Robert Mendick in any way. It’s just that, like everyone else who has heard the story of his mendacious, nasty little article, we are horrified at the idea of no one being held accountable... Dear John September 9, 2005 Fending off criticism of his after-dinner speaking style this week, John Humphrys claimed that 'Nobody has ever complained about the sorts of things I say because it is done with affection and is obviously light-hearted.' This will come as news to Gordon Brown, 'easily the most boring political interviewee I have ever had in my whole bloody life'. Humphrys also makes an unpleasant jibe about Brown winking at him with 'his one good eye'. (Brown lost the sight in his left eye after being kicked in a school rugby game.) Yes, there's nothing funnier than a light-hearted reference to losing your sight in one eye. Spaghetti Monster Flies Again September 9, 2005 If there's one thing that makes us want to saw off our own heads with a spoon, it's people who claim not to be religious, but still believe there's 'got to be something out there'. For them, traditional religion is a bit of a bore, but an unspecified controlling intelligence or New Age gloop is perfectly fine. Maybe there is cosmic intelligence somehow embedded in the fabric of reality. Or perhaps it's a big blob of pure spirituality, orbiting the moon... Adverjism: 97% More Nothing September 9, 2005 It goes a bit like this – a split screen shows one sleepy, tousled-haired kid and one bright little spark full of beans stopping just short of chronic ADHD. Sleepy kid slouches over the table, tries to eat a pencil, looks bewildered, pulling up just shy of early-onset juvenile depression. Sparky kid munches through a bowl of Corn Flakes – for it is they – and beetles off to face the challenges of the new school year. Accountability: An Evening Standard Update September 2, 2005 After our article about the Evening Standard last week, and their appalling treatment of the Dar Al Taqwa bookshop, we wrote to the author of the original piece, Robert Mendick, to give him the opportunity to defend his article. He didn't reply. One of our readers, George Mackie, also wrote to Mendick... The Sign That Says You're Out of Touch September 2, 2005 If only McDonalds' advertising agency had had the wherewithal to consulting urbandictionary.com before parroting a bit of overheard street-speak in a cynical attempt to appeal to America's urban youth. Doing so, they'd have discovered that 'I'd hit it' isn't actually a general 'street' expression of approval. Rather it's a very specific euphemism for 'I'd fuck it'. As in 'Katie Holmes? I'd hit it.' Journojism: All the Eyeties, They Speak-a Like Theeeeeeeeeeees September 2, 2005 ‘I like a man who’s gotta beeg instrument! When Toni’s fingers start-a flying in Barbados, my heart-a-pound with excitement anna my knees-a go weak.’ - The Daily Mail Fuck Off, Mr Chips September 2, 2005 Kids love swearing. They always have and they always will. You can tell them it isn’t big and isn’t clever till you’re blue in the face and the chances are they’ll tell you to fuck off. Then they’ll laugh and high-five one another, feeling both big *and* clever. Knowing this, and also knowing that prohibition is futile, Alan Large – headmaster of Weavers School in Northamptonshire – has introduced a new policy on profanity. Starting next week when the new term begins, pupils are allowed to cuss in class. But there is a catch. They’re only allowed five f-words per lesson... The Evening Standard: The Paper That Hates London August 26, 2005 Might we suggest that Charles Clarke extend his new, improved hate laws to British citizens, and for the crimes of fomenting serious criminal activity and fostering hatred which might lead to inter-community violence, the entire staff of the Evening Standard is sent as far away from London as is humanly possible. The TFT Guide To... Celebrity Love Weirdness August 26, 2005 A-ha! The very idea of Kurt Cobain’s widow getting it on with Alan Partridge is so totally bizarre it made us question the very nature of reality. So what other celebrity love weirdness can we expect in the future? Journojism: Piano Man August 26, 2005 This week Piano Man turned out to be Andreas Grassl, 20, from Prosdorf, Germany. Not much is known about Grassl, except that he can’t play the piano. Well done the UK press! In fact, the whole story of Piano Man was little more than the media jumping to conclusions. The idea that he played piano came from a doodle he drew while in hospital in Kent, nothing more. Adverjism: The Immutable Laws Of Advertising August 26, 2005 Michael Buerk might find some succour in a new book, The Future of Men, which says that men are tiring of their portrayal in adverts. You know the sort of thing: James Nesbitt buys a load of computer kit but it takes a small girl to point out that you have to turn it on. Sadly, this level of ineptitude does not make you adorably hopeless. It just makes you a useless cunt. Journojism: The Playboy rabbit August 20, 2005 Marketing 'gurus' (ie. 'arseholes') are always banging on aboutthe importance of 'the brand'. Of course, what they really mean is 'the way thick people will buy any old shit if it's got an easily recognisable symbol on it.' Who built the moon? August 20, 2005 The answer to this question - which we've all surely asked ourselves at some time or another - is: Us. You've been famed August 20, 2005 32-year-old Nektarios Voutas is 'very sorry, very sorry'. He is also silly, very silly. But he's slightly famous, at least. Buerking nine to five August 20, 2005 Many enlightened people of both sexes opened their mouths this week in outrage at the preposterously retrogressive utterances of Michael Buerk. So manifestly daft were they that they're almost not worth dissecting and refuting. But given that we live now and not thirty years ago, when companies were allowed to advertise for a 'pretty secretary', and given that idiocy is so much worse when it comes from a prominent and highly-respected idiot, a good stab is indeed necessary. Catholic gilt August 20, 2005 Filmmakers can be the bravest bastards you could hope to find. Documentary makers have died for their art, for a story they felt had to be told; writers, directors and actors have pushed boundaries every which way; even at the lowest level, people have mortgaged their entire lives and vital organs to gamble on a measly distribution deal. Upmarket Agony August 5, 2005 Poppy and Quentin have been together for six years. Although they love each dearly, Quentin is troubled by Poppy's reluctance to discuss having children, and her habit of bringing complete strangers home to have sex with while he is forced to watch, weeping. That and her 17 attempts to stab him with a kitchen knife. Now Quentin has struck up a close friendship with someone at work. Unfortunately Quentin is a psychiatrist at HM Broadmoor Prison, and that person is Peter Sutcliffe, the Yorkshire Ripper. Should Quentin try to come to terms with Poppy's compulsive promiscuity and murderous tendencies, or overcome his heterosexual feelings and embark on a gay relationship with Britain's most notorious serial killer? Littlejohn's Twisted Legacy: The Reverend Cherie Blair August 5, 2005 There was a queer irony in the timing of al-Qaeda's fresh warning to London yesterday, coinciding as it did with the sudden death of conservative columnist Richard Littlejohn. At first glance, it's hard to draw any concrete comparisons between Richard Littlejohn, author of 'To Hell in a Handcart' and Ayman al- Zawahri, Bin Laden's 'second in command' who declared that 'Blair has brought you destruction to the heart of London, and he will bring more destruction, God willing.' You're a loser, baby July 24, 2005 Advertisers seem to be taking the hint from Dove’s daring and only slightly dubious ‘Campaign for Real Beauty’ angle and starting to toe the fatty line. Women are openly sobbing in the streets with gratitude that their natural, unsculpted shapes are now Officially OK according to a bunch of loud-mouthed bleeders in suits. Still, much as it’s all driven by market forces and economic targets and oh-so-icky things of that ilk, it’s a step towards that mythic Truth in Advertising and the day we can all eat a pie without wanting to turn ourselves in. Nothing to get your Dworkins in a twist over. Harry Potter: Hocus pocus, mediocus July 15, 2005 Leaving aside Harry Potter’s obvious potential to drag you into the clutches of Satan, we can’t say we’re exactly thrilled at the next installment being published. Partly because of the endless, mind-numbing hype, but mainly because of the sheer mediocrity of Harry Potter. (Mediocrity which, it must be said, we wish we’d thought of.) Like the new Star Wars films and Terry Pratchett, there comes a point where you could make people buy a turd on a string if the marketing is right and people remain largely undiscerning about how they fill their oh-so-finite lives. Which is all the more reason to get cracking on a shit children’s book. TFT presents the first installment of our own mediocre novel... Journojism: Guardian magazine disappears up self July 10, 2005 What is it with the back end of the Guardian Magazine? Who actually subscribes to its weird mix of intellectualism-lite, bourgeois twattery and artsy waffle? Take this article by pop philosopher Alain De Botton, giving his two cents on a photo by Hannah Starkey, depicting a woman staring out of a café window: 'A few years ago , I fell in love with a girl in a photo, even though I couldn't see her face, only her hair, which was a promise of happiness...' To which we say: no you didn't, you twat. Journojism: Eat your greens or the Martians will get you July 3, 2005 Professor Kevin Browne, director of the forensic and family psychology department at Birmingham University, and once an advisor to the British Board of Film Classification: ‘For eight to 12 months after watching a violent film, children will become more likely to be violent and aggressive themselves.’ Bloody hell! War of the Worlds is going to do for the psychological wellbeing of an entire generation what the Great War did for our great grandparents! The streets will be clogged with traumatised kiddies wandering around wild-eyed, hysterically shouting ‘The chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one! But still they come!’ Chavs: MPs' best friends July 3, 2005 The difference between being a nice middle class chappie who happens to support Fulham and the actual charvers is so vast it’s actually offensive. Stephen Pound isn’t a chav, not even an aspirant chav, unless he clocks off from the House of Commons and heads straight for the nearest corner shop to abuse the staff and do a bit of shoplifting. Equally vile is the way MPs always use football to give themselves working class credentials, as though they’d be just as at home with the Chelsea Headhunters as they are in the House of Commons bar. TVJism: The new British code of conduct June 29, 2005 This week the BBC published a comprehensive overhaul of its editorial guidelines, on the grounds that there are new demands being placed on its journalists, thanks to 24 hour news and breaking stories on the Internet. The main theme will be 'accuracy is more important than speed', ie. don't run stories saying we've all been implanted with mind control chips because you read it on David Icke's website. Journojism: Beating the bullies June 29, 2005 Tom Cruise gave a perfect example this week of how to cope with bullying, when he stood up to that idiot with the water pistol and repeatedly used the word 'jerk'. But obviously it is easier for Cruise than for your average timid, uncosseted, non-Hollywood superstar schoolchild. Thankfully, the Daily Mirror was on hand on Wednesday to provide a handy 12-point guide to how to beat bullies in the real world. TVJism: Balls of shit June 29, 2005 The show is called Balls of Steel. Enough said really. It is made by a company called Objective Productions, who have previously specialised in entertainment clip-shows such as 'Movie Mistakes Uncovered Uncut' and 'Best Unseen Ads', as well as magic shows such as 'Extreme Magic, Extreme Danger' and anything with Derren Brown in it. Not forgetting 'Hypnosex' and 'Psychic!'. A wide range then, of almost wholly unmitigated trash. But if it survives humiliation by Cruise and makes it to air, 'Balls of Steel' promises to be the worst so far. Paris snatch June 29, 2005 What could be more American than a big car, a girl in her undies and a coronary patty between two sesame seed buns? Possibly only the Parents' Television Council, whose doomy slogan is 'because your children are watching', and whose mission is currently to stiffen the nation's resolve against soft porn being used to sell burgers. Journojism: When Simon left Polly June 17, 2005 Since the break-up of her marriage to one-time Today editor Rod Liddle, Rachel Royce hasn't so much been washing her dirty laundry in public as dragging people in off the street and refusing to let them leave until they've taken a good long sniff of a pile of soiled undies. Journojism: Bashing Bashir June 17, 2005 As Michael Jackson walks free, so is the can of legal whoop-ass reopened in the face of journalist Martin Bashir. Legal action against Bashir and Granada Television for breach of confidence was suspended during the trial, but may now be taken up again. As well as this, Bashir may be facing contempt of court charges for being so utterly useless and taciturn when called to give evidence. No stranger to the journalist-becomes-the-story scenario, he may soon have to lie back and think of the book deal. TVJism: Reality apocalypse June 15, 2005 You can only wonder what other TV horrors have been inching along the sewer which is ITV programme development. The remarkable thing about ITV is that just when you think the lowest depths of rubbish have been reached, the network pulls something even more tacky and inane out the hat. We suspect that serious consideration has been given to the following ideas... Live 8: Is St. Bob a racist? (No.) June 4, 2005 The Live 8 concert, due to take place at Hyde Park next month, has been accused of having a line-up that is ‘hideously white'. The only performer from a minority ethnic background is Mariah Carey, who may be a superstar, but hardly embodies black consciousness in the way that, say, Malcolm X did. There again, Malcolm X didn't release million-selling albums of shite ballads and forgettable R'n'B. As far as we know. Janet Street-Porter: Makes us puke June 4, 2005 Street-Porter, like many of us, doubts the sincerity of charity-hugging pop stars. With the exception of Elton John, she loathes them all. Mariah Carey she condemns as 'the nightmare diva to end them all', a living embodiment of 'conspicuous consumption'; Geri Halliwell is 'shallow and self-seeking'; Chris Martin 'uses private jets to meet up with Gwynnie and the baby'; Radiohead, the Rolling Stones and Atomic Kitten also use private jets. They gad about in them like pop stars. What really riles Street-Porter however, is that these self-same stars then have the bare-arsed audacity to perform for free in the possibly-self-serving pursuit of putting an end to world poverty; and they have the nerve to use their public profile as a platform to preach what they consider worthwhile views. What on earth is going on with the world? Bob Dylan will be blathering on about farmers soon. Richard Littlejohn: Cunt May 29, 2005 Richard Littlejohn is a cunt. Actually, no. We take that back. Richard Littlejohn is a CUNT. A loathsome, nauseating, uppercase CUNT. And if you think this is ill-conceived, infantile ranting, you should at least be happy that we're not being paid £800,000 a year to make it up. Furthermore, if you disagree, and think he is anything less than a CUNT, you are wrong, and probably Nick Griffin. If you think however, that he is so *obviously* a CUNT that it really doesn't need spelling out, you may have a point. But this week he is in the news, so we felt obliged. The TFT Guide To Spoof Videos May 22, 2005 This week the Ministry of Defence had its server brought down by squaddies trying to download a spoof video clip of Is This The Way To Amarillo, created by British troops in Iraq. The MoD took the incident in good humour (or rather good 'news management'), calling the video clip 'brilliant'. In the same spirit of cynicism we wondered what other pop videos could be reworked... Linkin Park: Show me the money (even more of it) May 11, 2005 This week the nearest thing we got to a moment of light relief from the election was the amusing news that 'alternative' rap-rockers Linkin Park aren't making enough money. Paul Riddell: Playing it by the book April 26, 2005 When students of Stirling University move into their halls of residence, one of the essentials they can expect to find waiting for them is a copy of the Good Book. That may however, be about to change. Lucasjism: Revenge of the Sith April 26, 2005 We can't help but think that despite the possibility of some much-needed gore in ROTS, George Lucas will manage to screw up again. We've got a nasty feeling the latest Star Wars script may be as follows... Are you thinking...? April 26, 2005 The Daily Telegraph had a good old guffaw at the modern world gone mad again on Monday, poking sneers at one Pat Kane, and his appointment this week as the city of Bristol's official 'Thinker in Residence'. The TFT Guide To Remakes April 26, 2005 Yet another remake, this time of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, premiered this week. But it all seems a bit pointless; the success of the original radio and TV series lay in the fact that they were funny and rather clever (especially if you're 13), not that the Vogon demolition fleet was chillingly realistic. However, the trend for remaking things - including dross like Ask the Family - looks set to continue unabated, so what can we expect in the future? TVJism: Playing it straight April 20, 2005 TV is routinely criticised for being shallow. At one level this is demonstrably true, but as the saying goes, 99 per cent of everything is crap. It's that other one per cent that makes everything worthwhile, whether it's The Singing Detective or Peep Show. This concept seems a little lost on Channel 4 and Lion Television, whose show Playing It Straight suggests they prefer to sit firmly in the 'crap 99 per cent' camp. Celery Monster April 20, 2005 It was revealed this week that Sesame Street's resident googly-eyed gut-bucket and all-round wild thing Cookie Monster is set to learn - ugh - moderation. In the programme's 36th season, which begins on Monday, Cookie Monster's trademark biscuit-centred avarice is to be dramatically toned down. Not exactly a diet, claim the show's Research and Education people, but moderation. Knowing when to say 'no'. Ugh. TFT Film: Downfall - All too human April 5, 2005 For the majority of Downfall's 2½ hours' screen time, theaudience is trapped, trailing through the claustrophobic and increasingly surreal confines of the Fuhrerbunker in Berlin. It's April, 1945, and Hitler's dream of a world purified by National Socialism is on its last legs. A stark, documentary- style dramatisation of the last twelve days of the Third Reich, Oliver Hirschbiegel's Downfall is, as you might expect, fascinating and repulsive in equal measure. Based on two separate accounts of the final days - Joachim Fest's 'Inside Hitler's Bunker: The Last Days of the Third Reich', and Traudl Junge and Melissa Müller's 'Until the Final Hour: Hitler's Last Secretary' - many of the film's events are seen through the eyes of 22-year-old Junge, the Fuhrer's unquestioningly loyal, apparently quite simple-minded PA. Gangsta bap April 5, 2005 It seems the world is not quite stale, flat and profitable enough for those vicious grasping bastards over at McDonald's. There is still a modicum of artistry out there, still a scintilla of creativity, and Maccy D's want to clog it up for all eternity with their filthy poisonous shit and slime. King Hell April 5, 2005 Jonathan King is a law unto himself. Excepting perhaps a few of history's top drawer totalitarians, no other public figure has exhibited such indomitable narcissism in the face of such widespread loathing. Jonathan King is one of the most hated 'personalities' in the country. And yet his self-love is legendary. He's like Kilroy-Silk multiplied by Clarkson to the power of Bono. Mark Thompson: Insane, quite clearly March 26, 2005 Jeremy Paxman - who, as far as we can tell, is incapable of being wrong - was in the news this week for launching what has been described as 'a scathing attack' on Mark Thompson, the director-general of the BBC. This is particularly amusing considering that just a handful of days ago, following Paxman's last scathing attack - the one where he described Health Secretary John Reid as the Labour 'attack dog' and went on to declare that there is 'a sort of Scottish Raj' ruling the country - which of course there must be, if Paxman says so - it was none other than Mark Thompson who stepped in to defend him. That was last week. Toyota: Built by robots, driven by selfish wankers March 7, 2005 The Toyota Verso advert offers a genuinely depressing snapshot of contemporary life. A car arrives at a windswept beach under a concrete sky. This scene alone was enough to leave us shuddering at painful childhood memories of rain-lashed holidays in Llandudno, but the misery doesn't end here. Tragic Relief: TFT goes to Dad February 28, 2005 As you're almost certainly already aware, two weeks from today is Comic Relief's 10th Red Nose Day. Now you may very well be one of those people who actually physically shudder at the thought of Red Nose Day, as well as Children In Need and any other such interminable charity telethons where, simply because we know that lives will be saved and suffering alleviated as a result, we have to pretend for an evening not to want to strangle the likes of Lenny Henry, Terry Wogan and Anthea Turner. Particularly Lenny Henry. Hunter S. Thompson: the weird gets going February 21, 2005 Just over a month ago, The Friday Thing's Associate Editor penned a review of Hunter S. Thompson's autobiography, 'Kingdom of Fear'. He didn't like it. In fact he hated it so much that he said it was 'a shame [Thompson] didn't die before he got round to it.'