Recent Stories In Politics

A Replacement For Trident: Can Britain Get It Up? March 16, 2007 'Come in and sit down, Mr Britain,' the doctor said sympathetically. 'What can I do for you today?' 'Well...' Mr Britain began and proceeded to list his ailments. It's true what they say, the doctor thought as he listened, getting old is a cruel and miserable business... Our Brave Boys: Beating A Retreat March 16, 2007 Again, on the big issues it is necessary to quote Bill Hicks and for that we make no apology. Speaking about the first Gulf War in 1992, Hicks said, 'I was in the unenviable position of being for the war, but against the troops'. Yes, Iraq needed to be freed from Saddam. It's just that expecting Tony and George to make a decent fist of it was like asking Jonathan King to run a youth outreach programme. They're all the wrong men for the job... WAWIBF... Slavery March 2, 2007 Yesterday a group of well-meaning folk set off on a 400-kilometre walk to mark the 200th anniversary of Britain’s abolition of the Slave Trade Act and to call for former slave-trading nations to apologise for the brutal, inhumane actions of their ancestors. They’re walking from Hull... Quick Fix No. 2,236: Community Slavery March 2, 2007 ...As Gordon Brown inches closer to Downing Street, he’s started coming up with his ‘own’ policy ideas, many of which are worryingly similar to the quick-fix, media-led initiatives associated with Blair. Brown’s latest idea is to get new immigrants to do voluntary work in the community, something that has no obvious benefit to anyone... The Long-Awaited Clampdown on the Vietnamese Boat People March 2, 2007 Politicians love a good photo-opportunity, but it’s getting out hand, frankly. Last week Tony Blair arranged a ‘gun summit’ in Manchester, which was basically a thinly-veiled photo opportunity. Meanwhile David Cameron popped up in Manchester too, on some spurious ‘fact finding mission’ that also happened to be a photo opportunity... WAWIBF... Dealing With Bloggers February 23, 2007 22-year-old Abdel Kareem Soliman is an Egyptian blogger. Or rather he was. Not anymore. This week his blogging was brought to a halt. Not because it was inane or self-indulgent like most blogging. But because it was insulting. Like most blogging. Specifically, in his blog Soliman accused Egypt's president, Hosni Mubarak, of being 'a dictator'... Brown vs Cameron: It's A Toss Up February 23, 2007 Would Gordon Brown pass the 'barbecue test'? Would we, ordinary British voters, invite him round for a burger and a beer? That was the question Guardian columnist Jonathan Freedland asked this week when contemplating the latest opinion polls... The answer to the question is: no, of course we wouldn't. Are you insane? We'd rather watch Torchwood again... WAWIBF... Johnny Logan February 16, 2007 Older, sadder readers may remember Johnny Logan winning the Eurovision Song Contest in 1980. Younger, sadder readers may remember him winning it in 1987. Well, now Logan is back with a starring role in a couple of McDonald's ads, simultaneously plugging some excrement in a bun and his own bland music... WAWIBF... Bum Gravy February 11, 2007 Michael Barrymore - still 'one of Britain's best-loved entertainers', according to the Edinburgh Festival Theatre, where last week he played the title role in 'Scrooge' - was back in the news this week. Not because of his acting talents however, but because of a pie. Barrymore Pie... Buddy, Can You Spare Twelve Billion Dollars? February 11, 2007 You have to smile grimly at the incompetence of the American administration in Iraq that has managed to 'lose' $12 billion in $100 bills. The cash was flown into Iraq on military transport planes in shrink-wrapped bricks during 2003. After that, nobody's quite sure where most of it went. Some was given to contractors (what we used to call 'mercenaries'). A bunch of modern day 'Kelly's Heroes' lifted $740,000 from an army division's vault. Enterprising Iraqi ministries created thousands of 'ghost' employees, put them on the payroll and watched the good times roll in A Message From Our Sponsor... February 4, 2007 Recent challenges arising in the UK’s criminal justice system have prompted the Home Office to pilot a programme of community custody schemes across the country. We at Civic Comeuppance Ltd are proud to announce that we will be providing a major part of this new wave of outsourcing penal services to the private sector... Ghandi Brown: 1% Inspiration, 99% Perspiration January 26, 2007 'I could never compare myself to Gandhi or those other heroes of mine,' the Prime-Minister-in-waiting said to his Indian audience and the British press pack, 'but I do take inspiration from the way that they dealt with the challenges they faced when I think about how I will deal with the challenges the country and the world faces, including the security challenge.'... WAWIBF... Law and Order January 26, 2007 This week the Home Office sent a directive to magistrates and the police urging them to hold back on custodial sentences, except when absolutely necessary. Within hours it seems, half of Britain went on a gun-fuelled paedo rampage, with filthy nonces given carte blanche to defile, and robberies hitting an all-time high. And it's all John Reid's fault for not building more prisons... David Blunkett: A Life in Film January 19, 2007 We all like to fantasise about being a character in a movie, don't we? Take the twice-disgraced corrupt cuckolder with a persecution-complex, ex-cabinet minister David Blunkett, for example. No doubt he sees himself as the tragic Rochester in 'Jane Eyre' after Thornfield Hall burns down: blind (obviously), brought low by a wild, uncontrollable woman, and... The Man Who Was Mundane: A Nightmare January 19, 2007 Cherie shuffled away from him to the far side of the bed, hitching the chintz counterpane firmly up to her chin as she went. 'What's the matter, Tony? You even need George's permission to deploy *that*, do you?' she said. Tony, now the lone, cold spoon in the centre of the bed, rolled onto his back and stared unseeingly at the ceiling... Everybody Needs Good Neighbours January 19, 2007 'They fuck you up, your mum and dad / They may not mean to but they do' wrote Philip Larkin. Exactly how much they fucked up a witty and brilliant poet who also happened to be his own worst enemy is open to question, but there appears to some truth in the statement, at least if you heard what Gordon Brown had to say this week... John Reid: New Levels of Twattery November 3, 2006 John Reid is one of those politicians who manages to surprise by continually plumbing new depths of inanity. He's a bit like Edwina Currie in that respect - you thought Edwina had reached a low ebb in her career with the salmonella debacle, then she went on to write 'raunchy' novels with horrible, horrible sex scenes, and turned out to have been shagging John Major to boot. Wow... Human Rights: Beatles, Beer and Bollocks November 3, 2006 'Human rights are British. Human rights are as British as the Beatles. As British as the BBC. As British as bitter.' That was the Lord Chancellor, Charles Falconer this week, the man responsible for our legal system, finding an unlooked-for lyrical alliterative outlook in his unelected and illiberal largesse. You have to wonder how much it cost the tax payer to come up with such patronising and transparently contrived nonsense... Iraq: Invade In Haste, Repent At Leisure October 27, 2006 We've all done things we regret. Fortunately for most of us they tend to be of the 'I *knew* I shouldn't have taken a can of Stella into the job interview' variety, not 'Shit, I really shouldn't have invaded that country.' But the US seems to be moving toward a long-overdue realisation that the occupation of Iraq might have been a mistake... WAWIBF... The Land of the Free October 20, 2006 Phew. Thank heavens for George W Bush, a man who actually cares about saving lives, a man who actually cares about the legacy of the victims of 9/11. And thank heavens for the Military Commissions Act of 2006. According to the 'fact sheet' on the Whitehouse website, the new act 'Will Preserve The Tools Needed To Help Save American Lives.' Their capitals... Senator Foley: Between Iraq And A Hard And Horny Place October 20, 2006 ...The Foley affair is essentially trivial, by any standards. Foley hasn't molested anyone, and while the attentions of an older homosexual may be unwanted by younger, straight men, nothing very much seems to have actually *happened*. Moreover, being propositioned by a gay man isn't the most traumatic thing that can happen to you... The War Against Terror: Unholy Mess, Unholy Alliances October 20, 2006 May we be forgiven for what we are about to admit. We abjectly throw ourselves on your mercy in advance. Oh God. Here we go. This week, Richard Littlejohn said something that we agree with. There. We said it. Can you ever forgive us? Here's what he had to say about the Home Secretary in his column for the Daily Heil this week... Electronic Tagging: Justice on the Cheap October 15, 2006 Oops. It turns out that the policy of tagging crims has not been wholly successful, with more than 1,000 violent crimes, including five murders, being committed by prisoners released early with electronic tags. Of course, there's no cut-and-dried way of predicting what people are going to do, but it's a track record that doesn't really inspire confidence... One Of Us... One Of Us... October 15, 2006 Back when he used to be funny, Ben Elton once referred to the ‘non-humour’ used by politicians. And he was bang on the mark: any attempt by politicians at humour is invariably toe-curlingly embarrassing, as can be seen at any Prime Minister’s question time, when lame-o quips like ‘Maybe the minister for health should be called... Depression, Dossiers and Death: Campbell Confesses October 15, 2006 When you consider what he got up to the last time he was at a low ebb, you do have to wonder whether Alastair Campbell, Tony Blair's former press secretary, was the right person to be the public face of the Mental Health Media Awards this week. To explain why requires a short history lesson. Cast your mind back three years to the aftermath of the suicide of Dr David Kelly and the subsequent Hutton Inquiry into the weapons inspector's death... David 'Dave' Cameron: Elegant Slumming October 6, 2006 Erm, right. Welcome to 'David "Dave" Cameron: Elegant Slumming'. Look out, Private Eye, we're coming after you. Ha ha! Just let us finish putting our smalls through this mangle and eating our spam butty. Oh, look. A small child. Hang on, young person, just let us finish typing this. If only we'd known you were going to be reading this, dear reader, we'd have finished the chores and put the children to bed... WAWIBF... Fundiphobia October 1, 2006 On Tuesday the Deutsche Oper in Berlin announced its decision not to stage a production of Mozart’s 'Idomeneo’. The reason being that this particular interpretation of the opera features the decapitated heads of Poseiden, Buddha, Jesus Christ and - you guessed it - the Prophet Mohammed! Again! You can’t move for the Prophet Mohammed these days. He is *such* a media whore... Tony Blair - The Autumn Years October 1, 2006 As Blair finally, grudgingly admitted it was time to step down as Labour leader, in a speech that was eerily similar to his thespy Parkinson appearance, we had a feeling we’re still going to see a lot of him in years to come. But what will he do to fill the time when he isn’t Prime Minister?... Speech Therapy: Telling It Like It Isn't October 1, 2006 Last year, after Tony Blair's Labour Party conference speech, we said one or two nasty things about it. To be honest, it was tempting to cut and paste them here again this year. Tony did pretty much the same thing with his conference speech this week and *he* seems to have got away with it. So, let's get the perennially obvious out of the way first. Here's the checklist of vital ingredients for a Blair conference speech as we've wearily come to expect them... WAWIBF... Manuel Paleologus September 24, 2006 ...Hearing what they wanted to hear, ignoring the clarion call to non-violence, fundamentalist Muslims proved to the world that Islam is a religion of peace by burning an effigy of the Pope, shooting a nun in the back and, throughout the week, issuing various death threats. If it wasn't so depressing, it would be nothing more than a rather infantile joke... Darfur: A Suitable Case For Outrage September 24, 2006 Darfur has stepped back from the abyss, just for the time being. A three-month extension of the African Union's peacekeeping mission in Sudan means that hundreds of thousand of refugees are no longer at the mercy of Sudanese militias until a UN-sponsored force arrives early next year. In a bout of brinkmanship and political foot-dragging... The Thai Coup: So What Else Is On? September 24, 2006 Much is often made by commentators about the alarming levels of desensitisation we have acquired, having been consistently exposed to such a numbing glut of horrific imagery. In fact, so much has been made of it and so often, we're quite desensitised to it. Yawn. Anyway, one of the little-discussed side effects of all this mental and spiritual anaesthesia has made itself known this week, in the shape of Conor Bracken, an Irish tourist in Thailand... WAWIBF... Ferenc Gyurcsany September 24, 2006 Despite being one of the richest men in former-communist Eastern Europe, and worth 68 points on a Scrabble board, Hungarian Prime Minister Ferenc Gyurcsany still has an awful lot to learn about political spin. If, like any politician worth their salt, you are going to lie through your teeth to get yourself elected, and then spend your entire time in office selling particularly juicy untruths to the electorate, it is perhaps best not to confess as much on tape and then blog your confessions. People tend to notice this kind of thing... More Fool Britannia September 17, 2006 We at The Friday Thing remember May 1997 like it was yesterday. If we weren't so darned reserved and horribly sober, we would have been dancing in the streets as New Labour swept into Downing Street, as the discredited, inept, tainted Major government was swept aside on a national wave of enthusiasm. The cheers ringing across town as Portillo was cast out on his arse by Stephen Twigg will live long in the memory. Cool Britannia, indeed... Memo To Gordon: Don't Rain On My Parade September 8, 2006 We'd urge you to read the Daily Mirror's report on the leaking of Tony's 'Farewell Memo' - you'll smile for days. 'He needs to go with the crowds wanting more. He should be the star who won't even play that last encore,' was a particularly nice sentiment. If only they'd made that rhyme work properly, it could have been put to a squealing rock soundtrack... Young People: Guilty Till Proven Innocent September 8, 2006 There's a term someone should coin: 'argumentum ad hysterium'... Whatever the issue, you can bet someone will make a point that is ridiculously melodramatic and hysterical. An excellent example could be found this week in a letter to The Guardian, when a reader criticised the government's plans to intervene early in the lives of 'problem' children. A reader (in fact a professor) said that Blair 'cannot be ignorant of the policies which led to the sterilisation and ultimately extermination of antisocial groups in Germany. It could happen here if people do not protest.'... Ding Dong! The Witch Won't Die September 1, 2006 Our early morning routine is a simple one. We fall out of bed, stagger downstairs, still in the previous day's underwear, switch on the portable TV in the kitchen, key page 101 into Ceefax and slump our shoulders with disappointment. For the last 15 years, tweaking the aerial for any semblance of decent reception, we find that Margaret Thatcher is still alive... Party Political Broadcast Till You Puke September 1, 2006 Poor old governments. They're damned if they do and damned if they just sit around quietly sort of governing. Just like parents, any attempts to be cool are roundly ridiculed, and any attempts to pretend coolness doesn't exist or is rubbish are disdained just as much. But bravely, our lot have decided to run headlong into the cool/uncool interface... Together Alone: Protesting in Parliament Square September 1, 2006 Let's face it, if we got a nice, fair, humanitarian government tomorrow, huge swathes of people would have a lot less fun. Maybe not Muslims trying to go on holiday, Iraqi civilians or Britain's underclass but it's a good bet that many a blogger, newspaper columnist, protester and weekly email comment sheet would be bereft. Railing against the current incumbent scumbags is such a joy... Terror: Let's Have A Meeting August 18, 2006 When confronted with a very difficult problem, it's common to act out of pure desperation, like the drivers on 'America's Wildest Police Chases' who can't pull over because they've just chugged 16 Buds, have a kilo of crack cocaine in the trunk and an illegal firearm under the passenger seat, prompting them to drive the wrong way up the interstate because... Pot Kettle Crap August 18, 2006 John Prescott is amazing. Not in a good way, just in the sense that he never fails to amaze. Who but the Deputy Prime Minister could call George Bush 'crap' and manage to look like a twat for saying it?... There's Nobody Here But Us Terrorists August 18, 2006 As with so much in life, a horrible overwhelming terror scare can bring with it a good bushel of laughs... Neighbours of suspects, bewildered, saying, 'But they're so polite and they keep such a nice garden.' Clearly, there is a deep and basic need across all cultures for terrorists to wear permanent vicious scowls and t-shirts saying 'YOU WILL ALL DIE LIKE DOGS'... Rant In G Minor August 11, 2006 George Galloway has the uncanny ability to be both spectacularly right and mortifyingly wrong, often in the same breath. He can make a rousing, stirring call to the humanity in all of us with speeches like the one on Sky News this week, while calling the deaths of Israeli soldiers 'a bloody good hiding'.... Arc of the Convenient August 4, 2006 Tony Blair's very pleased with his shiny new 'arc of extremism', isn't he? After testing it at the G8 summit in July he used the conflation of Iran, Syria and Hezbollah no fewer than three times in the speech he gave in Los Angeles this week. Something was clearly needed to replace the 'axis of evil', Iraq having left the group with nervous exhaustion... Qana Get a Ceasfire (Already)? August 4, 2006 How many children does one have to kill to win a UN resolution? The answer, it turns out, is 37. And then, that doesn't even get you a halfway decent one. 37 dead kids gets you a bargain basement John Bolton-penned piece of fluff promising ceasefires 'if you feel like it, no pressure OK'; the words 'death to the terrorists'; and a James Blunt-fronted stabilization force armed... WAWIBF... Summer Holidays August 4, 2006 It had been suggested that Tony Blair postpone his trip to the States this week, what with the world falling apart and John Prescott proving himself a less popular sex-pest than Glitter and King combined. But Tony went anyway, primarily, say his accusers, so that he might line up a few pocket-fillers for when he's finally finished pissing about over here... Tony Knows Best: Shut Up and Have an Apple July 31, 2006 Any child of the 70s and 80s is used to being nagged by the government: don't retrieve that frisbee from a substation, look-left-look-right-look-left-again, don't get bummed by strangers, don't throw fireworks, don't kill people in your car when you're pissed, Just Say No, don't get AIDS.... It was tedious, but hey, it was sound advice and a few of us made it through to 2006... What Do We Want? Ceasefire. When Do We Want It? Umm... July 31, 2006 As the wheels at the Foreign and Commonwealth Office grind slowly, ineffectively on, we were as surprised as anyone to learn that the British Government actually *has* a policy regarding Israel bombing seven shades of buggery out of Lebanon... Surveyjism: Parliament Rox! July 31, 2006 Picture the scene. A sluggish Guns'n'Roses, battered by years of bad luck and worse hair implants, are failing to mollify a rumbling New Wembley crowd. Slash is long since gone, Buckethead has taken his pail elsewhere. Axl Rose, linen-napkin skin pulled trampoline-tight over sharp cheekbones, is struggling to remember the words to 'Sweet Child O'Mine', while the butter-fingered guitarist is arsing up the scorching riff... Distinctly Low Rent July 22, 2006 The Labour Party floated another 'Get Cameron' strategy this week. After the craptacular 'Dave the Chameleon' campaign died on its arse - it turned out that the public, and Cameron himself, quite like the computer-generated lizard who wears hats, rides a bike and changes colour - Labour's finest minds decided enough was enough: Time for gloves off and knuckle-dusters on... Bye Bye Oil Crisis, Hello Uranium Crisis July 15, 2006 The Prime Minister felt the hand of history on his shoulder once again this week. In a photograph from Wednesday's Independent, we see him inspecting an offshore windfarm in Kent, every inch the concerned statesman. Intentionally or not, it's a picture rich with symbolism and meaning. Is Blair gazing into the future, away from the metaphorical depths that threaten to engulf humanity?... Afghanistan Now July 15, 2006 This week defence secretary Des Browne told MPs that more British troops were needed in Afghanistan because commanders on the ground had 'grasped an early opportunity' to establish law and order in the Helmand area. All becomes clear. The Brits are so good at giving Johnny Taliban a damn good thrashing that we need to send *more* troops to continue the job... Terror Alerts: Get Your Fear On July 15, 2006 'This is a government announcement. Due to recent intelligence garnered by MI5 on an embarrassing Fake Sheikh piece that's going to screw Prescott in this Sunday's News of the World, the Terror Threat level is to be raised from Level One: Nice Cup of Tea and a Sit Down to Level Four: Oh My Hairy Arse-crack, We're All Gonna DIE!!!... Tone: Deaf July 7, 2006 The efforts of the past year by Blair's Muslim-led task forces to sort out Islamic extremism from the shoots up didn't come to an awful lot, and despite much of the fault for this lying with the government, Blair's attitude now seems akin to that of an exasperated parent whose children just won't stop crayoning the walls and making bombs in the kitchen... One Year On: And What Have We Done? July 7, 2006 If ever proof was needed that The Government Is Not Our Friend, then the treatment of the survivors and the families of the victims of the July 7 bombings is surely it. Today being the first anniversary of the bombings it’s worth looking back on the treatment of the people who simply had the misfortune to board the wrong tube trains or bus last summer. Those fortunate enough to emerge alive, many with terrible injuries, both physical and psychological, were met with official incompetence, ignorance, suggestions of culpability in future attacks and, on one memorable occasion, outright hostility Pot, Kettle, Big Ears July 2, 2006 You can always tell the kind of person we have running the country these days by the time that elapses between the day of their sacking and the bitter, twisted back-stabbing of the boss. Some former ministers bide their time, waiting for the iron to become hot, striking at a time of maximum embarrassment... Alan Johnson: There's Nothing Square About These Roots July 2, 2006 So apparently learning mathematics in school is about to become 'cool' under new measures announced by Education Secretary Alan Johnson this week. Britain's kids are about to throw down their blades and Breezers and find out that numbers ain't butters... Israel & Palestine: It's Good To Talk July 2, 2006 When it comes to discussing the Israeli/Palestinian conflict, for most of us there are two basic approaches: - Talk utterly ill-informed rubbish, preferably using the terms 'Jew'', 'Zionist' and 'Israeli' interchangeably, e.g. 'If the Jews would just take their tanks... Paedomania, And Other Distractions June 16, 2006 The massed angry ranks of Little England found themselves a new cause and a new figurehead this week. Still riding the wave of popular acclaim that her News of the World campaign to name and shame paedophiles brought her, The Sun's editor Rebekah Wade kicked off a new venture naming and shaming judges giving 'child sex beasts' 'soft sentences'... The NHS: Pain, Profit and Loss June 16, 2006 We were in hospital last week. A friend, taken hideously ill, was rushed to the local NHS concrete-and-vending-machines casualty unit (Jug-eared Crisps? Coke? In a casualty waiting room? Are you sure?), where she was seen in extraordinary time, drugged up to her eyeballs and discharged, a tick in the box for Ealing NHS Trust's performance targets. We were hugely impressed... The TFT Guide To... Being A Good Dad June 16, 2006 The Department for Education came in for criticism this week after it published an information pack for fathers, yet again stating the bleeding obvious. The 'Dad Pack', apparently aimed at the feckless and the terminally stupid, contains the revelatory information that going to the playground can be fun for children, and advising against having an affair when your partner is pregnant. More worryingly, it gives the handy advice: 'Never shake a baby or child - it can cause lasting brain damage.'... England's Dreaming: The Unbearable Inevitability Of Disappointment June 12, 2006 His supporters say he's ready. Not long now and he'll take us all the way to glory, sweeping all before him. Those with cooler heads are sceptical. Does he really have what it takes, is he fit, can he - against the odds - fulfil the nation's expectations, hopes and dreams? Yes, the big question on everybody's lips is 'Can Gordon Brown really become Prime Minister?'... The Dying Art of Political Pretence June 12, 2006 We're not terribly good at lying here at The Friday Thing. We put this down to the culture of truth, honesty and getting our round in like proper gents that exists in this organisation, and not because our ears glow red like an illuminated Charles Clarke every time a pork pie falls from our lips. However, we do feel entitled to tell the odd whopper every now and then... Forest Gategate: A Very British Terror-Bungle June 12, 2006 There's a perversely reassuring rhythm to the Forest Gate fiasco, the biggest Terrorism Act set piece this year, with the slide from decisive action to fumbling embarrassment choreographed exceptionally well. BBC News 24 spent the entirety of last Friday morning in excited focus on the 250 police officer raid on a house in Forest Gate, East London, which had been staged in the sluggish pre-dawn... British Justice: A Little On The Rough Side June 12, 2006 This week three soldiers were found not guilty of the manslaughter of an Iraqi teenager at a court martial held in Colchester. The squaddies had all denied the manslaughter of 15-year-old Ahmed Jabber Kareem, who drowned in a Basra canal in 2003. The three military policemen were accused of making a group of looters swim Shatt al-Basra canal, causing Kareem, a non-swimmer, to drown. Moral Panic June 3, 2006 There's really no good way to spin Haditha - the alleged cold-blooded slaughter of 24 Iraqi civilians by rampaging, idiot US marines. As soon as the words 'Iraq's My Lai' left the first commentator's mouth, that was it. This will make the Abu Ghraib scandal look like some kind of cute Belushi-like frat house hazing ceremony... New Labour Perks Up June 3, 2006 Any moron in the pub will tell you that politicians are self-serving bastards who can't be trusted... However, the moron view of politicians is certainly one that's been supported by recent events - not least John Prescott's grudging relinquishment of his country pile, Dorneywood... Fiction Burns June 3, 2006 'You couldn't make it up' is, of course, the hackneyed, clichéd catchphrase of hateful human skidmark, Richard Littlejohn. This though, like so many things the evolutionary drag factor pontificates on, is wrong. The walls between our reality and fiction have been growing thin for quite a few years now. Under the auspices of New Labour and the cynicism of the PR industry those walls have finally been breached and everyday reality is now polluted by fiction... Cherie Blair: A Scorpion With Social Tourette's May 27, 2006 To judge by the reaction of some sections of the media and other members of the professionally offended this week, you'd think Cherie had been cluster-bombing children and undermining human rights like her husband. If only Tony's actions over the years had been scrutinised and judged with the level of vitriol that his wife's have, he'd have been chased from office years ago... Iran vs USA: What's the Beef? May 19, 2006 We're doomed. Doomed with a big capital D, with hand-baskets being prepared for their one-way trip downstairs. The reason for this chink in our otherwise cheery demeanour is this: we understand the current buzzword doing the rounds in US intelligence circles is 'From Q to N'. That is, a shift of emphasis from Iraq to its rather larger, richer, more heavily militarized neighbour Iran... Justice: You're Just So Distant These Days May 19, 2006 The criminal justice system (as opposed to just 'crime') has been increasingly discussed in recent years. The question is whether we desperately need reform, or whether Blair has found what he believes is a populist issue to provide a distraction from Iraq and the various scandals plaguing New Labour... Tony Blair vs The Law: Crossbows For All May 19, 2006 Before he answered a higher calling, Tony Blair was a lawyer. Given his much publicised infatuation with cash (cheap holidays at Sir Cliff's Barbados hideaway, nuzzling with billionaires like Italian national joke, Silvio Berlusconi, parading endless celebrities through Number 10) and considering just how much lawyers can earn, you have to think that he must have been bloody rubbish at it or he'd be still in the trade... Desperate Times May 13, 2006 So, you're a horribly unpopular leader of a country going down the tubes, your cabinet is in dire need of a reshuffle, but assassination is generally frowned upon. What do you do? Well, simply follow these step-by-step instructions and you too can bring turmoil to the very heart of your administration, crippling the smooth running of government for months to come!... The BNP: Mein Kamp May 13, 2006 Most of us who consider ourselves rational and politically aware tend to write off the British National Party as a bunch of unimaginative, narrow-minded, racist homophobes. Prepare then to change your views. Because Richard Barnbrook, star of the BNP when last week he won eleven council seats in the borough of Barking and Dagenham, has set out to prove everyone wrong about the values he stands for. It has been revealed that, amongst his (surely numerous) achievements, Barnbrook at one time immersed himself in the world of arthouse Marxist gay erotica... The UN vs Human Rights: What's the Beef? May 13, 2006 ...So there were cheers and bunting this week when all the rotten apples were tossed out along with the barrel itself. The United Nation Human Rights Commission has been abolished in favour of a new body, the imaginatively titled United Nations Human Rights Council. The dancing in the streets was short-lived, however, when it emerged that some of the rats who'd escaped the old ship before it sank have scrambled aboard the new one... A Time For Total Ruthlessness May 13, 2006 Ruth Kelly is an idiot, and she should be removed from political office immediately. Does that sound harsh? It isn't. Well, maybe it is, but sadly, it's demonstrably true. We don't say she's an idiot incidentally, because she believes in God. That wouldn't be entirely fair - not entirely. Or... actually, maybe it would. Bugger, we're in two minds. We're loath to say it because frankly, it sounds discriminatory, slightly fascist. But then again... John Prescott: An Upstanding Member of UK PLC April 28, 2006 When most of us accept a job, we usually sign a contract that says something like: 'I hereby agree to the stated terms and conditions of employment...', including any confidentiality agreement, internet policy, dress code, and so on. We suspect the same applies when you become a cabinet minister, except the declaration concludes '...and I agree to fuck up so spectacularly it'll make Gallipoli look like an unqualified success.'... Shades of Green April 28, 2006 We at The Friday Thing will always go the extra mile to save the planet. Particularly if that extra mile happens to be in the luxury of our spanking new Humvee, ripping up trees and dismembering small woodland animals, followed by our personal oil tanker, as we pop down the road to drop Tarquin and Belinda off for clarinet lessons... Punishment vs Rehabilitation: What's the Beef? April 28, 2006 The classic description of the noble swan is that it is calm and regal above the water while paddling furiously underneath. The Home Office under New Labour is the exact opposite. A gaudy monstrosity above, it flaps and mugs, screaming for attention with headline-catching initiatives here (banging up suspected terrorists without trial), flourishes of bureaucratic cruelty there (deporting the Kachepas, for instance), and technocratic turds (ID cards) everywhere... Tory Modernisation: Like Synchronised Swimming For Cats April 23, 2006 Fun-loving Tory leader David Cameron serves as a warning to us all about the dangers of drugs. Who except someone in the grip of advanced cocaine psychosis could be deluded enough to think they can 'modernise' the Conservative Party?... The British Government vs Morality: Where's the Beef? April 23, 2006 The morality of high politics is beyond the ken of mortal man. How else to explain why Jack Straw could shake hands with Robert Mugabe at the UN ('it was quite dark,' whined Straw afterwards) and then mock peace protesters ('I could have done better') while showing off in front of Condoleezza Rice during her recent visit to Blackburn? And then we have... 'False Flag' Fundamentalism: Tilting at Tube Trains April 14, 2006 Milan Rai wasn't sure if he'd make it to his own book launch. He's been in court this morning, charged with organising an unauthorised demonstration in the vicinity of Parliament... However, he's here (having been fined, although he's refusing to pay) for the launch of his measured, analytical book '7/7: The London Bombings, Islam and the Iraq War'... American Apocalypse Now April 14, 2006 Exaggerated portrayals of the dark side of Amerikkka are pretty common in fiction. Two themes particularly appeal to liberal creatives: the idea of a secret, crypto-fascist American state, as portrayed in works ranging from 'Three Days of the Condor' to 'The X-Files'. The other theme is Christian religious extremism... Tony & Gordon: More Interesting Than Wheelie Bins April 8, 2006 Over the years, it's been almost impossible to avoid the press speculation about the relationship between Tony Blair and Gordon Brown. Indeed, as coverage of the forthcoming local elections began this week, the media didn't even bother to feign interest in the elections, preferring instead to quiz a visibly irked Blair about his relationship with Brown... Boris Johnson: Queasy Lover April 7, 2006 Boris is an unlikely ladies' man, in the same way that Mr Tumnus is an unlikely ladies' man. Sure, Boris has a certain charm. If you had to compile a list of adjectives to describe Boris they'd be things like: bumbling, boyish, posh and educated. The problem is that Boris is only a charming, colourful character in comparison with other politicians... I'll Get Me Zygote March 31, 2006 What's left to say about abortion that can't be said with a giant poster of a bright pink foetus next to a pound coin? Very little, apparently. But much of it is going to be said by one James Dowson, founder of the UK Life League. The Guardian reported this week on his group's targeting of a Catholic school in Surrey, who are apparently practising 'child abuse' by teaching sex education to 14 and 15 year olds... Brian Haw: Protesting Too Much? March 31, 2006 It's vitally important to have the courage of your convictions, not to mention the courage of other people's. But there's sticking to your guns, and there's being glued to them in a way that incapacitates you... Brian Haw has been protesting for peace outside Parliament since 2001. An attempt to evict him by bringing in new restrictions about spontaneous protest within a mile of the seat of government backfired beautifully last year... Blair & Brown: Same Shit, Different Suit March 27, 2006 If there's one thing that we'll remember about Tony Blair it's the sheer amount of nonsense he spouted: the platitudes, the cod-philosophising, the meaningless statements. Remember: 'I can only go one way. I've not got a reverse gear'? Apart from being untrue, it actually makes Blair sound slightly defective, like an ultra-cheap East European car that's been built without a proper gearbox and seats made out of concrete... Blair on Parkinson: Tomorrow Does Not Belong To Me March 14, 2006 These days, Michael Parkinson's chat show is a fairly reviled institution, consisting largely of ultra-bland celebrity backslapping and shameless plugs for films, books and West End musicals. But last Saturday's show was an unusually grim hour's worth of 'entertainment', featuring Tony Blair looking as cheerful and at-ease as an Abu Ghraib inmate hearing someone shout 'Walkies!'... Good Behaviour Cards: Bad Idea March 14, 2006 This week Gordon Brown announced plans to give teenagers 'youth opportunity' cards to allow them to take part in sport and leisure activities. Immediately the cards were dubbed 'good behaviour cards', because youngsters who repeatedly misbehave will have their cards withdrawn: 'No more synchronised swimming for you, Darren. Looks like you'll have to keep in shape by being chased by police dogs again.'... A Slice of Paradise March 6, 2006 The future is bright. The future is clean. The future is porn-free, pill-free and very big on foetal rights. Mel Gibson will love it. He'll come in his pants most probably, but he'll feel wicked for days afterwards. He'll have to flagellate himself to within an inch of his life as a result. But it'll be worth it. Because the future is God's will. But the most exciting news of all is that the future is very, very close at hand... Cos This Is My United Kingdom of Whatever March 6, 2006 Just before we dozed off during A-Level Sociology, we half-learned something about 'the value of the non-decision' - the grave significance of enigmatic voter silence. Even at that time, oh so long ago, the government was furrowing its brow over the decline in voter turn-out... Years on, the issue is even more pressing, with voter numbers at pitiful levels. This week the sexily-named Power Inquiry report somberly declared that British politics will go into 'meltdown' if nothing changes... Cash Cow: The Tessa Jowell Affair March 3, 2006 The bribery allegations levelled at Tessa Jowell's husband are both intricate and tedious, involving, as they do, the dreary world of finance. In fact, the whole business makes you nostalgic for the easy-to-understand scandals surrounding honest-to-goodness perverts like Harvey Proctor. No boring old hedge funds or mortgage payments there - just rent boys and a statuette of Winston Churchill rammed firmly up your arse. Mark Oaten, we salute you. That said, the whole Jowell affair speaks volumes about the world that politicians inhabit, and as such we really ought to take an interest in it... David Irving: In Denial February 24, 2006 On Monday this week, one-time historian David Irving was sentenced to three years in prison for 'denying the Holocaust'. That is, for denying it ever existed, or, if it did, for denying that it was anywhere as serious as all that, and that the gas chambers were a myth. Irving seems to live his life in denial. He's famous for it. Indeed, previous to his trial, he told the press, 'I deny that I'm a Holocaust denier'. He just can't help himself!... Terrorism: Is It Time to Cast the Net Narrower? February 24, 2006 This week four actors from the award-winning film 'The Road to Guantanamo' were detained at Luton airport as they returned from the Berlin film festival, where the film was premiered. The reason? They were travelling with two ex-terrorist suspects formerly held at Guantanamo, on whose story the film is partly based, and who had been to the film festival as well... Glorification: You Can't Legislate for Weirdness February 18, 2006 Any proposal to outlaw the 'glorification' of terrorism is a gift to anyone who wants to make a point. To use an analogy: say you really, really hate Vernon Kay. All you need to do is make a placard saying 'LET'S BLOW UP GRINNING SIMPLETON VERNON KAY.'... Warning: May Contain Nutrition February 12, 2006 The difference between a problem and a crisis is a matter of labelling. The persistent and myriad effects of obesity have slowly coagulated to form a crisis proper, and as such is provoking action on behalf of the people who are held partially responsible. On Thursday, Danone, Kellogg's, Kraft, Nestle and PepsiCo all agreed to conform to a new labelling scheme for food products... Chantelle Nation February 6, 2006 Earlier this week a draft version of a new government bill was leaked. At first glance, many of the clauses in the proposed Animal Welfare Bill seem so stultifyingly obvious that you imagine the whole bill is a hoax; a cheeky satirical sideswipe at a Mary Poppins government who really do believe that without their guidance, we are all of us helpless and stupid. But it’s not a hoax. That is really what they think... Coathangers at Dawn January 28, 2006 Last Sunday saw demonstrations by sanctimoniously-named pro-lifers and the still rather unpalatably-named pro-choice contingent to mark the 33rd anniversary of Roe vs Wade. The anti-abortionists continued to miss some fundamental points about human rights, about quality of life and about a grim reality that we all wish were otherwise, but must assimilate... Booze, Boys And Blistering Egos January 28, 2006 On BBC News 24 yesterday Lembit Opik was asked, with reference to the self-outing of LibDem leadership candidate Simon Hughes, 'Why now?' Opik said he didn't know. The BBC should have asked Jo Moore. Or anybody else with an ounce of nous. They would have told him, Simon Hughes chose now to admit he was gay because compared to pretending to be a cat in a lab coat or paying rent boys to shit in your mouth, being gay is a picnic in the park.... A Website for All Occasions January 28, 2006 This week the National Audit office revealed that the Department for Work and Pensions spent £31 million publishing 250 different leaflets last year. These leaflets, it found, were frequently out of date and difficult for the public to understand, prompting the chairman of the Commons public accounts committee to comment that the DWP was producing 'gobbledegook'... When is a Fact Not a Fact? When It's a Lie. January 21, 2006 Former US Secretary of State Colin Powell was in town this week, giving interviews left, right and centre and generally gadding about like a man with a book to plug. But of course he wasn't plugging a book. Not this time. This time, Powell was plugging a war... Prostitution: 'Tis Pity She's Nothing Like Julia Roberts January 21, 2006 Lonely? Sexually frustrated? In need of some female 'company'? You might like to visit Jan. Jan's rates are £80 for 30 minutes. It's not clear who would be paying who. We jest, but websites like Jan's do make you wonder why there was so much controversy about this week's plans to change the law on prostitution. Given that the quickest trawl of a local paper's classified ads or the internet shows that the UK is awash with the services of prostitutes, why start getting all moral about a minor change designed to protect sex workers? Charles Kennedy: Why You Don't Have to Feign Interest in Politics Anymore January 13, 2006 Every so often a survey demonstrates a supposedly worrying lack of interest in politics on the part of the British public. You know the sort of thing - nine out of 10 people think Gordon Brown is a fictional character, or that Bill Oddie is prime minister... Duff Respect January 13, 2006 On Monday Tony Blair declared that if his grandfather, or indeed his father, were to be magically transported to 21st century Britain, both would 'marvel' at modern technology - such as podcasting - but, on the flipside, both would be 'shocked' by the 'loss of respect in local communities and on the street'... TFT Goes To... The Parliament Square Carol Service December 24, 2005 Brian Haw is the nut who incurred the blustering wrath of a governmental sledgehammer. Chiefly in order to boot him from Parliament Square where he had camped out for four years and shouted about the injustice of war, the Serious and Organised Crimes and Police Act 2005 was passed... It's a nasty, unjust little law that says nothing good about the government at all; it claimed its first convict recently in the inoffensive form of Maya Evans, who was arrested for reading out the names of soldiers killed in Iraq at the Cenotaph. In response, Tim Ireland of bloggerheads.com conceived a wizard wheeze to hold a carol service in Parliament Square Many a Crip Twixt Cup and Lip December 18, 2005 No one was more upset at the execution of Stanley 'Tookie' Williams this week than the people of Austria. Not even Williams himself, who was said to be as cool as someone else's cucumber as he was led to the chamber of death at Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's insistence on Tuesday... Charlie: Down December 18, 2005 Charles Kennedy has been so quiet for so long now, it was inevitable that when he returned to the spotlight, it would be to defend charges that he was dead. Which is pretty much what happened this week. Kennedy has been all over the place in the last few days, more visible than at any time since the LibDems' last conference, swearing blind that he is still alive and still very much leader of his party. Unfortunately, he wasn't terribly convincing. An Open Letter to David Cameron December 11, 2005 Latin. Imagining your parents having sex. Fox-hunting. Academic study for its own reward. Religion. Imagining other people's parents having sex. These, David, are a few the things that turn young people off. But 'Punch and Judy politics and cheap point-scoring'? Please. That's just about all that does turn us on about politics... National Service: Good For Anything That Ails You December 3, 2005 The idea of 'responsible adult citizens' is obviously code for 'not being feckless, binge-drinking yobs' - a rather offensive stereotype of young people that seems to have taken on its own reality courtesy of the press. Can you imagine any other group in society being stereotyped in this way? Imagine the headlines: CAMERON RESIGNS OVER 'ALL BLACKS GOT RHYTHM' CLAIM... And On That Bombshell December 2, 2005 Al-Jazeera, as a media outlet, hasn't got the shiniest rep. Most of us only developed a vague sense of it via our own media as something strongly associated with terrorism, inevitably redolent of the same horror. It was the source of all the over-pixellated footage of eerie bearded men speaking lyrically about infidels and the head of the snake... Blair and the Liaison Committee: Everything You Feared Was True Is True November 25, 2005 John Birt, former BBC boss and now Lord Birt, is an obvious target for political satire. He was derided for his jargon-based management style at the BBC, while his appointment to Downing Street smacked of cronyism. Unfortunately, 'The Thick of It' increasingly resembles a documentary, not a sitcom. The TFT Guide to... ill-conceived advertising campaigns November 21, 2005 Bemused readers may have recently witnessed the Citroen C3 'Happy Days' adverts, featuring the Fonz and other characters from the sitcom. Not content with being unfunny and slightly unsettling, the strangest thing about the advert is the vexed question of who on earth it's aimed at... What Kind of Police Do We Want? (Ones That Don't Make Speeches) November 21, 2005 This week Metropolitan Police commissioner Sir Ian Blair delivered the annual Dimbleby lecture, taking as his theme 'What kind of police service do we want?' Unfortunately the answer was 'probably not one with you in charge'... The Terror Bill: Tony Knows Best November 11, 2005 After the defeat of the Terror Bill this week Tony Blair told the press there was a 'worrying gap between parts of Parliament and the reality of the terrorist threat and public opinion.' In some respects this is true. There are plenty who believe that the police should have whatever powers they ask for. Unfortunately the same people tend to believe that the SAS should have 'taken out' Gerry Adams... David Davis - White Whine for the Ladies November 11, 2005 David Davis works upstairs. He's got a room on the seventh floor of our office building. Probably more than one room actually. You know how greedy they are. We often bump into his bogeys in the lift or at reception. They're invariably surly, supercilious and every so slightly sinister. And they're all men... Oh, Mr Hu November 11, 2005 In China they like nothing more than to kill people they don't care for. So much so that between ten and fifteen thousand people are executed in China every year. As if that weren't enough, there's also torture, and Tibet, and censorship, and bird flu. Under these circumstances, you'd think that China's president, Hu Jintau would be so shunned in international circles that he'd make Robert Mugabe look like David Walliams. And yet, when he came to London this week, Tony Blair did everything but buff his tiny glans with his tonsils. Although who knows what happened behind closed doors? No Stain, No Gain November 7, 2005 Politics. It just isn't fair. Look at David Blunkett. A working class hero who commits a few simple, honest mistakes and is consequently hounded out of his job. Not once but twice. Worse still, he is treated like dirt in the process. First time he was bullied out of office, all he took with him were the clothes on his back and a measly £18,000 handshake. With that alone he had to subsist on his sixty grand MP's salary, the ministerial car and rent-free use of a £3m Belgravia love-nest. Oh, the indignity. Women! Know Your Limits October 28, 2005 There was much fishwife shrieking and stamping of ickle feet in the capital this week, as Transport for London rolled out a helpful new leaflet in a desperate attempt to teach dippy women how to behave on the tube. Marketing experts racked their brains for minutes on end before coming up with a front cover adorned with nice lipsticks. They come in *tubes*, see? Apparently, it was either that or a row of tampons... Going for a Song October 21, 2005 As the Conservative Party leadership contest bumbles towards its very tedious conclusion, with David Cameron's Blair impersonation standing him in excellent stead for the throne, it has never been more clear that what the people of this country really need is actual political choice. At the moment it's just dead. In terms of realistic choices, our political situation at the moment is very much aligned with Bill Hicks' summation of 80s America - it's a choice of two puppets, both being held up by the same guy. Where is the *real* alternative? Well, this week, it appears to be on eBay... I'm a Brutal Murdering Dictator, Get Me Out of Here October 21, 2005 Not since Deirdre Barlow walked unsteadily into the dock, flanked by nervous-looking armed guards, have television viewers been treated to such an exciting judicial spectacle as the trial of Saddam Hussein. Nor has there been a court proceeding with such a carefully scripted - and thoroughly predictable - outcome. Saddam's going to swing. That much we know. So why bother watching? Tory Leadership: Some Reasoned Analysis October 14, 2005 Ah, the Tories. The mad old, bad old Tories and their silly old leadership competition. Watching it all going down in Blackpool last week one couldn't help but be reminded of a school nativity play: a drama that in ancient times was considered of vital significance but that in modern times is just an excuse for children to act like donkeys or sheep... All Smoke, No Fire October 14, 2005 You have to admire the ability of the government to present mediocre ideas as bold, dynamic and essential. Take the proposals on how a smoking ban in pubs would work: pubs will have a completely separate room in which smoking is allowed. In other words, a smoking room. Eureka! The UK's most brilliant political minds must have worked late into the night on that one... Ennui-wards and Upwards